Thursday, February 16, 2012

Loss

We all know how it feels to lose something we truly love. Here it is in short story form:

Ginger met the man of her dreams and fell head-over-heels in love with him. She had been in love before, but it was never quite like this and, over time, that love didn't fade but grew stronger until her very life force was connected to it. Every waking moment, she felt like she could fly because of this wonderful man who had somehow managed to steal every ounce of her heart; which she thought she had protected so well.

Through her life, Ginger had never been privy to caring on the level that she believed this man cared for her and it excited her, broke down her walls like they were made of butter, and made her feel she was worth something. She decided that she would move mountains for this man if he asked her to because her goal was to make him as happy as he had made her. Every day, she worked toward that goal. Some days were easier than others because of the dynamics of the relationship but she never gave up and pledged that she would love him through whatever life threw their way.

Then, one day, he said that he could no longer struggle with her and that she should move on and find someone else. Her heart stopped beating in that moment and tears filled her eyes as pain shot through her body from her chest outward. She denied it at first, thinking that he couldn't possibly mean what he was saying; she thought the strength of her love would be enough to carry them through a hurricane. Yes, she had done some things she wasn't proud of but thought that because she had never betrayed him, it wouldn't matter after a time. She was wrong. They did matter.

When the realization that he was gone overtook her, the pain in her entire body was one that was so intense, so completely overwhelming, that she screamed. It was the only way she knew to keep from falling down and dying in that moment. She began to shiver, though it was not cold in the room. Tremors wracked her body and she lay down on the floor, wept, and allowed herself to shake with them uncontrollably. When she had cried all that she could, she knew not what to do so she just laid on the floor and stared into space. She felt like she had no heart, no soul, and no way to think clearly; she may not ever again. Those things had been ripped from her body and shredded.

She began to question herself and wonder if she didn't do enough for him, if she wasn't good enough for him, and if he ever really cared in the first place. Surely he did, she wasn't that stupid... or was she? Why did she allow this man so close to her heart? Why did she give him her total trust and not question his motives? After all, he hadn't given her his. But she did and she was glad she did because she knew that if she hadn't, she wouldn't really have been trying; but she did try. She put every ounce of herself into him and hoped it would be enough. As she lay shivering on the floor and crying until her eyes swelled shut and she could not rise, she knew that she wasn't the one he wanted and the realization made her want to die.

Hours later, when Ginger finally managed to crawl to her bed and slide under the covers that smelled just like him, she passed out from the grief of her loss. Her body simply couldn't take it and her brain could not process that she would never again feel the warmth of his hand, the touch of his lips, or the safety of his arms. She had no dreams that she could remember but woke up with a hole where her heart used to be and no feeling in any part of her body. She remembered when she bounced out of bed on wings of love - was that just yesterday? - and lay for a time crying again for her loss. She knew that she had disappointed him and wished she was a better person, a better lover, and a better friend when he needed it.

She remembered looking into his eyes and thinking she could see his soul, feeling his arms around her when she was upset or scared, and not being able to picture her life without him in it. Her future was suddenly blank and she felt the loss that much more intensely. She knew she would never leave the house again because if she ever saw him on the street or with someone else, she would die a thousand deaths and feel this pain all over again. She knew that seeing him happy with someone else, when she had tried so hard and failed, would make her feel like dirt. She knew that she would not be able to handle it and knew that she would do whatever she had to in order to circumvent that encounter. If that meant never seeing the light of day again, she knew she would endure it because the alternative was too horrifying to think about.

Her heart was broken and she knew she would never love like that again, just as she had never loved like that before. He was her once-in-a-lifetime and, in her heart, was irreplaceable. She knew she had loved ones that cared for her and would always be there but she was irrevocably changed by the event and would never be the same without him. Cold and dead and hating life, she had no choice but to rise and tend to her appointments; her heart heavy, her eyes wet, and her hands shaking.

They say time heals all wounds and she prays that it's true because she knows she cannot live long with this pain; this excruciating, all encompassing pain. She decides that she will never love again because as long as her heart is closed forevermore, no one can rip it out and re-open the hole that will be in her chest for the rest of her life.

~ The End

Above is what I deem to be true love and true loss. Have you ever felt that way?

I managed almost six thousand words yesterday and they flowed well. Chapter 17 is underway.

I hope you all connected in some way with the story above because, if you did, you have known what it is like to really love someone. Even through the pain of your loss, you love them. You will always have a giant place in your heart that only they touched and, even though it hurts like hell and is forever empty when they leave, you at least knew what it was like to see the sunrise in someone's face and feel the warmth when you looked into their eyes.

Until next time, write on!

Jo

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