Be Your Own Biggest Cheerleader

Today, I'm stepping up on my soapbox. Just for a minute, but read, and think about, what I write here. This may be a long post, so grab some coffee, settle in, and maybe take some notes. Let's get going!

I see so many people these days wondering if they're good enough, strong enough, or asking themselves if they can do it.

When you're asking yourself if you're good enough, what is it you're referring to? Let's start there and see if maybe your mindset can be altered. Just a little. That's all it'll take.

Am I Good Enough?

If you look at yourself in the mirror and ask this question, you're doing it all wrong. Instead, ask yourself: Am I the person I'm proud to be? Am I meeting my own expectations? If not, how can I change so I love who I am and can look at myself in the mirror, proud of what I see?

Why? Because you're the only one that truly matters. You need to be in love with yourself first. Love stems from respect, too. Have those two things, and you'll come to a place where what other people think of you doesn't matter, and it won't be because you believe yourself to be "above" them. You'll know that you're the absolute best version of yourself that you can be. If they don't understand that, it's really okay. Because you have yourself, and that's the one person that should believe in you no matter what.

If you're a writer, then write for yourself first. I know you're probably going to say that doesn't sell books, and you're right, but if you're in this business to sell a billion copies, you're doing it for the wrong reasons, and you'll end up quitting before you even get started. If you write for yourself first, you're always good enough, because you're the only critic that matters. This question will never be asked by you again. Sure, we want folks to enjoy our writing, and it's okay if that still makes you a little nervous, but don't put so much weight on it that a one star review ruins your whole day and ends up making you question yourself as a writer.

This goes back to: Put out the best version of your book that you can. Give yourself something to be proud of on all levels. If you love it and can stand behind it like you stand behind yourself, you'll be happy whether you sell zero copies or a thousand.

If you don't like something, CHANGE IT.

Am I Strong Enough?

Of course you are. You just have to want it badly enough and not depend on others to bail you out or do it for you (whatever IT may be). When I was in college, I had this amazing professor who changed the way I look at those who give excuses with a simple quote:

"If you want it badly enough, you'll find a way.

If not, you'll find an excuse."

That sums it up. Don't give up on yourself or your dreams. Not ever. If you can't make it happen alone, find someone to help you, but don't begrudge those who don't have the time or resources. Back up and try again. Don't be afraid of failing. In every failure, there's a nugget of golden wisdom you can use to help yourself in the future. Learn from your mistakes, and COVER YOUR OWN ASS beforehand. This, also, is a learned habit.

Yes, you're strong enough if you want to be. Most of all, don't be taken in by the excuses of others. If they wanted it badly enough, they would've made it happen. People will show you this. Be prepared to see, and be strong enough to walk away.

You're strong enough to hold yourself up, but you're not responsible for shouldering the burdens of others.

Can I Do It?

If you devote yourself to it, 100%, with no excuses along the way, you can do anything you put your mind to. Don't take no for an answer. Back up, regroup, and try a different path. Always be willing to morph and bend if you need to, but don't let folks walk all over you, and do NOT try the same thing in the same way and expect a different result. Eisenstein said it best:

If you do the same thing in the same way and expect a different result, that's the definition of insanity.

Don't be insane! Change something! Try again! Don't let anyone use the word can't in your presence. Be an advocate for the things you believe in.

Listen, life is going to throw you some serious curve balls along the way. It'll feed your doubt monster the cookies they love so they grow stronger and whisper louder in your ear, beating you down.

When you have a success, no matter how small it may seem, congratulate yourself. Pat yourself on the back, and be your own biggest cheerleader. Make it a big deal. You made that soup? Well, then, it's the best damned soup that'll ever be made. You learned a new skill or had a new idea? Celebrate that. Even if it's with yourself.

You don't need the validation of others; you only need the validation of the person that's been with you from the moment you were born and will be with you until the day you die: YOU. So, yes, you can do it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm a work in progress, too, but I'm living every day by the words above and have been for years. Doubt creeps in, but learning how to combat it is half the battle, and I'm totally winning the war.

You're responsible for your own happiness, and you're NOT responsible for ANYone else's happiness. You also can't change them; they have to be willing to change themselves. Surround yourself with those that understand this and appreciate it, those upstanding people who are also happy, and be good to them.

The benefits to all these things will be unbelievably amazing.

Work hard, play hard, and find your love for yourself.

Do you ever fight with things like this? Got any nuggets of wisdom to share?

Well, that's all for today, folks! Until next time, WRITE ON!

Jo

Being Put in Impossible Situations

Happy Tuesday, everyone! Well, the kidlings here in Ga are back in school, and that means Mommy can finally concentrate on things she needs to do without interruptions. While my child is good about not coming into my office when she knows I'm working, she's still a kid. Sometimes, she just can't help herself. But yay to being back on track. This post isn't about all that, however. Today, I'm going to talk about something I hate: being put in an impossible situation. Ready? Let's get going.

My definition of an impossible situation, for purposes of this post, is one where if I do one thing, I look like an ass, and if I do the other, I compromise my core values, allow myself to be deeply hurt or disappointed, or let people take advantage of me. Either way, as you can see, it's lose/lose. As you read, keep that in mind.

I've had sessions with counselors in which I'm told I have a very good sense of self-awareness, but that I need to be firmer with people. I should tell them when they hurt or disappoint me. For example: I know what it was that hurt me and why, but I can't bring myself to address it with someone else because I'm afraid of hurting them even though they've hurt me already. Oftentimes, I find myself commiserating with characters I see in movies that do stupid stuff, those folks that no one but me seems to understand, and I end up feeling badly for them.

Why is this?

Well, while talking out a situation one time, it was pointed out that I'm a giver with a very high core value of integrity, and while I never believed I expected anything in return, that wasn't quite the case.

I believed that if I gave and was honest, I would get loyalty in return. Now, loyalty isn't friendship. A true friend is there because they genuinely like the person you are and respect you. Loyalty, however, can be earned and independent of friendship. Someone who is loyal doesn't necessarily have to like you.

I hold people to a very high standard of behavior that includes respect of me and my time along with a few other things I have a hard time compromising on.

Let me clarify: I don't do things so people do things in return for me. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying I give, and what I want in return is respect, thoughtfulness, and to not be put in impossible situations.

Here's one:
My son tells a friend they can stay over before asking me. I just took the kid all over town for school shopping, and I have three other kids in the house besides him. I'm just not in the mood to deal with someone else's child. I say no. He stands there and begs me, says he already invited the kid, and begs me some more. For every no, he has a reason it will work out, and he refuses to call the kid and tell them they can't come.

Okay, now I'm in an impossible situation. 1. ) I can either call the kid's parents and tell them the kid can't come, or 2. ) I can give in and be miserable all night. Several things eat at me about both of those options (please know I realize we'll all react differently to these things--these are my opinions and feelings--they may not make sense to you): 1. ) This option makes me look like a terrible parent (an ass) who can't keep their kids under control and it disappoints another child who might have been looking forward to something. It also has the likelihood of ruining the other set of parents plans they may have made with the expectation their child would be gone for the night. 2. ) If I give in to my kid, I reinforce that he can beg and get his way. Worse, I allow him to have control over me. I would be tired and grumpy, and I'd have yet another mouth to feed, another kid to clean up after, and another someone in my house (this alone causes me stress).

There are so many of these examples that I could throw down here, but I'm not going into all that. Today, I'm trying to get you to think about yourself and maybe even your characters' situations. It can be cathartic to write about people who behave in a different manner than you, but be careful to dig deeply and show why the character is the way they are to your reader. If you'd just read the beginning, without understanding why I reacted the way I did, you probably would've said that you'd stick to your no and be done with it. Hell, maybe you'd still say that. But this is showing you what it might be like via the inner turmoil of another.

I hate disappointing people or making them feel badly about something they've done. I also can't stand being selfish. It eats at me. So, when it comes to me standing up for myself, oftentimes, folks have no idea they've hurt me--even when it's deeply--because I move forward and pretend like everything is okay (this is especially true if they can't see me--if they can, they'll see the tears, but I'll insist everything is fine unless pushed, and then I tend to explode because I'm trying really hard to keep it under control--lose/lose) or I end up just ignoring them because I know I'll hurt their feelings if I say something.

My issue is that I expect other people to be as careful with my feelings as I am with theirs. This is what I refer to as loyalty.

I'm working on it.

What are yours? What do you think of the above? Do you have this issue? Do any of your characters? How did you show it?

Well, that's all for today, folks! Until next time, WRITE ON!

Jo

Worth by Numbers and Stars

Happy Wednesday, everyone! Today, I'm just talking. No need for pen and paper, but you might want to bring your inner-voices to the party. If you're ready, let's get going!

So, I saw this image floating around on Facebook this morning, and I shared it because the message was so powerful (see it here).

But, as everything in life, it got me thinking about the author world and how we use numbers to measure our worth. When our books are selling well, we think: Wow, I must be a great author. So many people want to read what I've written!

Then comes the dreaded drop in sales or the horrific one star review.

Just like that, our worth seems to fly out the window on the wings of a fiery demon. We fall into a pit of despair, wondering who we were kidding when we thought we could write a book.

Now, I want you to look at those last five words in the sentence above: "We could write a book."

Rethink your stance right now.

You did write a book. Countless hours of your life were spent writing, editing, re-editing, editing again, formatting, and marketing that book.

Countless hours.

There are so many people in the world who say, "I have a book in me."

Do you know the difference between you and them?

You didn't talk about how you can write a book; you did it. Blood, sweat, and tears flowed from you to the page. Not once did you stop, throw down your pen/close your laptop, and give up.

No. You kept going, pushing through the doubt demons and naysayers. You published that book.

Fast-forward fifty years into the future. Your children are grown and have a couple of kids. Out there, in the book world, your words are still going strong. Even if no one is buying them, they're still existing.

It's your legacy. You've made yourself a little bit immortal. Even if people hate your story, they haven't written a book, and they won't live through the pages forever. Take every opinion with a grain of salt.

So, I leave you with this:

Don't measure yourself against your sales numbers or star ratings. Put it all in a new perspective, and remember, you did it when others wouldn't. Even if you feel like crap about it today, it will still be there tomorrow, ready to carry your words through the millenniums. Be proud (it's okay to celebrate your own accomplishments--that doesn't mean you're narcissistic).

Scream into the ether just once today:

"I am f*ck*ng AWESOME! I wrote a book!"

If you're feeling froggy, I also encourage you to jump like the woman in the image above.

Huge thanks to Chelsea Starling for giving me the first part of that battle cry!

How do you get over the measuring of yourself? Plan to scream today? Tell me about it.

Well, that's all for today, folks! Until next time, WRITE ON!

Jo