Dialogue - Keeping it Fresh

Happy Friday, good people of the blogosphere! Today, I'm talking with you about dialogue again. I started writing this post yesterday, but life took over and killed it. Ha! Great how that works, isn't it? But! The kids go back to school soon, so things around the blog will settle down as they were before. Anyway, today we're gonna talk about keeping your dialogue fresh for readability and comprehension. I'll also give you a little exercise to do afterward. Grab those pens and notebooks and let's get going!

Let's start with things you shouldn't do.

• Make every line of dialogue begin the same way.
• Break several lines of dialogue in a row with an action.
• Confuse your dialogue tags with action tags.
• Make everyone sound the same.

In keeping your writing fresh, you want to use dialogue, action, and dialect in a way that keeps them harmonious.

Example time!

Shouldn't do:
Pat elbowed her way through the crowd. "Can you believe how many people are here?"
I grabbed her hand before leaning toward her ear. "It's always like this on Friday night!"
Lucy made her way to us and joined the circle. "I'm so excited to be here! I can't believe our parents let us come."
I put my free hand on her shoulder. "This is once in a lifetime, kid."
Music pumped through the speakers, and my insides rattled.

Better:
Pat elbowed her way through the crowd. "Can you believe how many people are here?"
"It's always—" someone jostled me, and I grabbed Pat's hand to lean toward her ear "—like this on Friday night!"
Lucy made her way to us. "I'm so excited to be here, y'all! I can't believe our parents let us come." Her eyes sparkled.
"This is once in a lifetime, kid," I said.
Music pumped through the speakers, and my insides rattled.

Frequent name restatement is often necessary when there are several people in a discussion. Watch your pronouns. Let's look at one more example; then I'll turn you loose with an exercise.

Shouldn't do:
"I wanted to go to the store with Mommy," Lisa whined.
Her father's mouth turned down. He said, "You didn't want to stay with me?"
She crossed her arms and shook her head.
"I thought maybe we could play your favorite," he said, pulling out Chutes and Ladders.
She clapped her hands and said, "Yay! Yes, Daddy. I want to play."
"But you wanted to go to the store with Mommy," he teased.
"I was just kidding," she said.
He roared with laughter.

Better:
"I wanted to go to the store with Mommy." Lisa threw her tiny figure face-down on the couch.
Her father frowned. "You don't want to stay with me?"
She rolled over, crossed her arms, and shook her head.
"I thought maybe we could play your favorite," he said.
When Lisa saw the Chutes and Ladders game in his hands, she clapped. "Yay! Yes, Daddy. I wanna play."
"But you wanted to go to the store with Mommy."
"I was just kidding."
He roared with laughter.

Not only is the second passage easier to read, it's correctly punctuated. Remember to ditch the dialogue tag when giving the character an action. If you use a dialogue tag, there should be no action. Change it up so it doesn't get stale. No one wants to read: he said, she said, he said, he said, she said over and over again.

Time for your exercises!

#1:
Write a few quick paragraphs of dialogue with four characters: Paul, Mike, Anna, and Frank. Start each sentence the same way, pay no attention to punctuation, and no attention to pronoun usage.

Use the tips above and this post to correct your writing. Feel free to send it to me if you want someone to check it.

#2:
Using the ideas above, craft one line of dialogue for each of the following:

1. Starts with an action, ends with dialogue.
2. Uses a dialogue tag at the beginning.
3. Uses a dialogue tag at the end.
4. Break the dialogue with an action.
5. Stars with dialogue, ends with action.
6. No dialogue tag; no action tag.
7. Interrupted speech (remember your em-dash!)
8. Trailing off of speech (don't forget the ellipsis!)
9. Starts with action, then has dialogue, then another action

You may feel free to post your attempts in the comments below.

What do you think? Helpful?

Well, that's all for today, folks! Until next time, WRITE ON!

Jo

Pronouns in Dialogue

Happy Thursday, good people of the blogosphere! Today, I'm gonna talk to you about pronouns in dialogue and how they impact the way you use them outside speech. I've been over pronouns twice thus far, but this little tidbit needs to be added. I didn't want to confuse everyone by putting this information in with the other pronoun posts, so I'm making one all its own. Grab your pens and notebooks and join me for a quick lesson! Warning! This post seems long, but it's a lot of the same stuff written over and over again. A necessary evil, I'm afraid.

Remember, your pronouns are: he, him, she, it, its, they, their, them, they're, hers, and his.

Now, when you're writing a scene, the pronoun refers to the last person or thing named.

Learn more here and here.

There are caveats to this, though. First, when we speak, we usually don't use pronouns the right way. For example:
"Lisa told me last night Mel owes her money and isn't sure when she's gonna pay her back."

What a mess that is, right? But it makes sense when someone speaks that way. Why? Because that's what we're used to hearing. We get that Mel owes Lisa money and Lisa isn't sure when Mel is going to return said money. But to write the dialogue with proper pronouns, we'd have to rearrange it like this:
"Lisa told me last night she isn't sure when Mel's gonna pay back the money she owes."

That's okay, too, by the way; but don't beat yourself up over pronouns in dialogue. Above all else, you want speech to sound natural, not forced. So, pronouns in speech aren't something you need to be super vigilant about. Let it flow.

Second, when you're creating dialogue and you mention a name, you need to remove the speech to see who your pronoun is actually referring to. Also, the pronouns in speech are separate from the ones in text. This gets tricky, but I'll do my best to show you a couple of examples:
Susie looked at Byron and drummed her fingers on the desktop. "So, you're saying Lisa doesn't really like Mark?"
"That's what I'm saying. She's just using him to have a date to prom."
She gasped. "That's horrible!"
"You know how she is. How does that surprise you?" His eyebrow lifted and a smirk found its way onto his lips.
"I just never thought she'd be so crass." Her mouth turned down and her eyes shifted away. "It doesn't do to hurt people. Mel let it drop the other day that she thought her intentions weren't honorable. I just didn't believe her."
"Well, I'm telling you now, she's planning to make a big scene and leave him looking like an idiot at the end of the night." His hand found its way to hers in an attempt to offer comfort.
Sighing, she moved closer to him and rested her head on his shoulder.

Okay, now, you can see the mess we'd have if we followed traditional pronoun examples and tried to have everything include the dialogue. How do you check it? Like this:

#1 Delete the dialogue and highlight the pronouns.
Susie looked at Byron and drummed her fingers on the desktop. "So, you're saying Lisa doesn't really like Mark?"
"That's what I'm saying. She's just using him to have a date to prom."
She gasped. "That's horrible!"
"You know how she is. How does that surprise you?" His eyebrow lifted and a smirk found its way onto his lips.
"I just never thought she'd be so crass." Her mouth turned down and her eyes shifted away. "It doesn't do to hurt people. Mel let it drop the other day that she thought her intentions weren't honorable. I just didn't believe her."
"Well, I'm telling you now, she's planning to make a big scene and leave him looking like an idiot at the end of the night." His hand found its way to hers in an attempt to offer comfort.
Sighing, she moved closer to him and rested her head on his shoulder.

#2 Rewrite it.
Susie looked at Byron and drummed Susie's fingers on the desktop.

Susie gasped.
Byron's eyebrow lifted and a smirk found a smirk's way onto Byron's lips.
Susie's mouth turned down and Susie's eyes shifted away.
Byron's hand found Byron's hand's way to Susie's in an attempt to offer comfort.
Sighing, Susie moved closer to Byron and rested Susie's head on Byron's shoulder.

We know the passage is correct, because it reads like it's supposed to. If it didn't, we'd need to fix it.


Dialogue is independent of the text providing support. Is it possible to fix the pronoun issues in the dialogue? Yes. It can be done easily, but watch for forced speech. You don't wanna take something that works and tweak it until it sounds, well, tweaked. *grin* Proceed with caution.

One more example, and I'll let you go for the day. This time, we'll use four speakers and I'll make errors. See if you can find them before I go to the correction phase. GAME ON!

Lisa slapped Mark's hand before taking it in her own and tugging. "You're so silly sometimes. Let's go find Susie and Byron."
He grinned at her, loving the way she gave him love taps now and then, and let her pull him along.
"Lisa! Hey, girl. What are you guys up to?" Her speech was slurred and her eyes glassy.
"Sorry, guys, she's had a little bit to drink." Byron supported Susie with one arm while balancing two cups in the hand on the other.
She put her hands on her hips. "Aren't you gonna share?" One hand flew out, knocking the drinks off their perches. "There's Mel!"
"Lisa!"
"What?"
"You have zero class, you know that?"
"Oh, come on. Stop being such a ninny. Not my fault your girlfriend's sloshed. Would you look at her? I wonder where she got that dress?" She took off in Mel's direction without offering an apology.
Mark shrugged. "Sorry about that. She's kinda rude sometimes."
Glaring in her direction, he snorted. "Kinda rude? Sometimes? She's extremely rude always."
Feeling his face turn red, his mind began to wonder if he should punch the guy out to defend his girlfriend's honor. Deciding against it, he shrugged and started after her; anger boiling beneath the surface.

Ready? GO!

Done yet?

How about now?

Okay, your time's up. My turn! I'll show you why the passage is wrong, then correct it. Four steps this time.

#1: Remove dialogue
Lisa slapped Mark's hand before taking it in her own and tugging. "You're so silly sometimes. Let's go find Susie and Byron."
He grinned at her, loving the way she gave him love taps now and then, and let her pull him along.
"Lisa! Hey, girl. What are you guys up to?" Her speech was slurred and her eyes glassy.
"Sorry, guys, she's had a little bit to drink." Byron supported Susie with one arm while balancing two cups in the hand on the other.
She put her hands on her hips. "Aren't you gonna share?" One hand flew out, knocking the drinks off their perches. "There's Mel!"
"Lisa!"
"What?"
"You have zero class, you know that?"
"Oh, come on. Stop being such a ninny. Not my fault your girlfriend's sloshed. Would you look at her? I wonder where she got that dress?" She took off in Mel's direction without offering an apology.
Mark shrugged. "Sorry about that. She's kinda rude sometimes."
Glaring in her direction, he snorted. "Kinda rude? Sometimes? She's extremely rude always."
Feeling his face turn red, his mind began to wonder if he should punch the guy out to defend his girlfriend's honor. Deciding against it, he shrugged and started after her; anger boiling beneath the surface.

#2 Highlight the pronouns
Lisa slapped Mark's hand before taking it in her own and tugging.
He grinned at her, loving the way she gave him love taps now and then, and let her pull him along.
Her speech was slurred and her eyes glassy.
Byron supported Susie with one arm while balancing two cups in the hand on the other.
She put her hands on her hips. One hand flew out, knocking the drinks off their perches.
She took off in Mel's direction without offering an apology.Mark shrugged
Glaring in her direction, he snorted.
Feeling his face turn red, his mind began to wonder if he should punch the guy out to defend his girlfriend's honor. Deciding against it, he shrugged and started after her; anger boiling beneath the surface.

#3 Replace the pronouns
Lisa slapped Mark's hand before taking Mark's hand in Lisa's own and tugging.
Mark grinned at Lisa, loving the way Lisa gave Mark love taps now and then, and let Lisa pull Mark along.
Lisa's speech was slurred and Lisa's eyes glassy.
Byron supported Susie with one arm while balancing two cups in the hand on the other.
Susie put Susie's hands on Susie's hips. One hand flew out, knocking the drinks off the drinks' perches.
Susie took off in Mel's direction without offering an apology.Mark shrugged
Glaring in Mel's direction, Mark snorted.
Feeling Mark's face turn red, Mark's mind began to wonder if Mark should punch the guy out to defend the guy's girlfriend's honor. Deciding against defending honor, the guy shrugged and started after the guy's girlfriend; anger boiling beneath the surface.

#4 Repair
Lisa slapped Mark's hand before taking it in her own and tugging. "You're so silly sometimes. Let's go find Susie and Byron."
He grinned at her, loving the way she gave him love taps now and then, and let her pull him along.
"Lisa! Hey, girl. What are you guys up to?" Susie's speech was slurred and her eyes glassy.
"Sorry, guys, she's had a little bit to drink." Byron supported her with one arm while balancing two cups in the hand on the other.
Lisa put her hands on her hips. "Aren't you gonna share?" One hand flew out, knocking the drinks off their perches. "There's Mel!"
"Lisa!"
"What?"
"You have zero class, you know that?"
"Oh, come on. Stop being such a ninny. Not my fault your girlfriend's sloshed. Would you look at Mel? I wonder where she got that dress?" She took off in Mel's direction without offering an apology.
Mark shrugged. "Sorry about that. She's kinda rude sometimes."
Glaring in Lisa's direction, Byron snorted. "Kinda rude? Sometimes? She's extremely rude always."
Mark felt his face turn red, and his mind began to wonder if he should punch the guy out to defend Lisa's honor. Deciding against it, Mark shrugged and started after her; anger boiling beneath the surface.

Blue marks what I changed to make the passage correct. I know it seems like a lot of work; but if you take the time to learn how to recognize these things, it'll become second nature and move fast.

How about you? Did you get anything out of this post? How many errors did you find in the example?

Well, that's all for today, folks! Until next time, WRITE ON!

Jo